A Guide to Recognizing When You are Not Contributing to the Conversation

unbuildingthelabyrinth:

The majority of comments in the majority of conversations are at least a little bit constructive and helpful; the ones that really aren’t helping are the outliers. That’s why this guide focuses on recognizing when your comments are not contributing.

Here are some signs you are not contributing:

1. You wish this conversation had never started (To clarify: not in the “I wish we did not need to discuss this” sense, but in the “everything is fine, this conversation is a waste of time” sense). If you don’t think the conversation is worth having, there’s a pretty high likelihood that you do not understand or misunderstand the issue at the center of the conversation, and are thus not capable of contributing to a conversation about it. There’s also some chance you are unconsciously making comments intended to put a stop to the conversation. If you comment with the express purpose of having the conversation stop, you are, by definition, not contributing.

2. You have a rigid idea of what the result of the conversation should be. This is especially true if that result is “everyone agrees with what I say and does exactly what I want.” If you have a result you want and that’s the only thing you are after, you’re not engaging in a conversation, you’re trying to railroad everyone into agreeing with you. Get off the soapbox.

3. The problem being discussed is something that is unlikely to apply to you. For example: are you a white person looking at a conversation about racism? Or a person without ovaries in a conversation about menstruation? It is not impossible for someone who does not have direct experience to contribute to a conversation, but it is much more difficult. The majority of the time, the person with more experience in a given area is right about it. You will need to do a fair amount of research because you don’t have a background for the conversation and you should do a lot more listening than talking. You also lack the visceral understanding of the pain caused by the issue, so you are at risk of unfairly minimizing it. Tread carefully.

4. Your comments are much longer than all of the others. Why is everyone else so much more efficient at making their points than you are? If others in the conversation are able to make their points in shorter comments, it is unlikely the topic warrants the number of words you want to use. Consider whether some, or even all, of what you’re saying is actually irrelevant. longwinded answers waste time and prevent constructive discussion from happening, which, again, is the opposite of contributing. Get to the point.

5. You make the same comments regardless of what others say or you’ve written your comments without fully reading/hearing anyone else’s (note this is not the same as thinking about what you want to say ahead of time and anticipating rebuttals). Part of having a conversation is engaging in an exchange of ideas. If you know what you’re going to say before you know what the other person is saying, you’re not engaging in exchange of ideas, you’re spewing your own ideas out like a drunken teenager. This is still true even if you skim/sort-of listen to others’ viewpoints. Engage with new ideas.

6. What you say is very hurtful to others in the conversation. Consider whether you can still make your point without insulting or hurting anyone else (by, for example, implying that they are stupid, gullible, or weak for having the opinions they do). If you can’t, consider why not. Most thoughtful arguments stand on their own without the need for cruelty. Some comments, by their very nature, will hurt feelings; see if you can phrase those to minimize the hurt. Have compassion.

7. Other people in the conversation tell you that you aren’t contributing. Keep in mind telling others they are not contributing can also be a silencing tactic. That said, If someone feels the need to comment on it, it is at least worth considering. Listen to others.

None of these are guarantees that you are not contributing, and the fact that you aren’t doing any of these is no guarantee you are. Still, these are good things to watch out for. Making unhelpful and unconstructive comments wastes everyone’s time—including yours. I believe your time and energy is too valuable to be wasted derailing discussions; you should too.